Listening is an essential skill for building strong relationships, fostering understanding, and navigating the complexities of communication. However, many of us struggle with truly listening to others. Various obstacles, such as assumptions, biases, the need for control, distractions, and ego, can hinder our ability to fully engage in conversations.

In this blog, we will explore these common barriers to effective listening and provide practical solutions to overcome them. By recognising and addressing these challenges, you can improve your listening skills, enhance your relationships, and ensure that others feel heard and valued.

Here is the ABCDE of why listening is so hard and what you can do to become a better listener.

Assumptions

You think you know what person is going to say so don’t listen or interrupt to fill in gaps.

Solution:

Listen with an open mind.  Instead of predicting what someone will say, approach each conversation as if you’re hearing it for the first time. Practice active listening by paraphrasing what the person has said to ensure you’ve understood them correctly. This not only prevents you from jumping to conclusions but also shows the speaker that you’re genuinely engaged.

Bias

You let person’s outward appearance or opinions or your beliefs block you from truly hearing what is said.

Solution:

Don’t focus on any one thought or emotion that you have. Recognise your biases by reflecting on your initial reactions. Ask yourself if you’re dismissing the person’s perspective due to their appearance or differing views. To counter this, try to focus on the content of their message rather than your preconceived notions. Engage in conversations with the goal of understanding rather than judging.

Control

You feel need to interrupt, rush, and/or correct what person is saying.

Solution:

Listen with your heart as well as your ears, remembering the importance of a relationship. Maintain relaxed, non-hurried posture that communicates that their agenda is important to you. To overcome the need to control the conversation, remind yourself of the value in hearing others out. Adopt a posture that conveys openness, such as leaning slightly forward and maintaining a relaxed demeanour. Use non-verbal cues, like nodding, to show you’re engaged. This will not only improve the quality of the interaction but also strengthen your relationship with the speaker.

Distraction

You lose attentiveness because you think faster than they speak, so you start thinking about what you are going to say next.

Solution:

Stay in the moment, hang onto every word. Refrain from planning ahead about what you will say. Maintain eye contact, which will help you keep focused on the person and communicate that you’re with them. Combat distractions by practicing mindfulness. Before the conversation, take a few deep breaths to centre yourself. During the conversation, if your mind starts to wander, bring your focus back by mentally repeating the speaker’s words. Maintaining eye contact and providing verbal affirmations like “I see” or “That’s interesting” can help keep you grounded in the present.

Ego

You put your own neediness to be focus of attention before other person.

Solution:

Work at respecting and valuing the other person. Learn to love your neighbour as yourself. Set aside your desire to be the centre of attention by genuinely valuing the other person’s perspective. Remind yourself that listening is not about waiting for your turn to speak but about connecting with the other person. Practicing empathy can also help. Put yourself in their shoes and try to understand their feelings and motivations. This shift in focus from yourself to the speaker can greatly improve the quality of your listening.

Conclusion

Listening is more than just hearing words; it’s about truly understanding and connecting with the people around us. By overcoming these common barriers of assumptions, bias, control, distraction, and ego, we can enhance our listening skills and build stronger, more meaningful relationships. Remember, effective listening is a skill that requires practice and intention.

Call to Action:  I encourage you to start by reflecting on your own listening habits. Choose one area to work on this week, whether it’s keeping an open mind, staying in the moment, or setting aside your ego. Small changes can make a big difference.

Do share your experiences or challenges by emailing me at janet@inspiretrainingmidlands.co.uk  —I’d love to hear how these strategies work for you!

Image credit:  Gerd Altmann from Pixabay 

October is World Menopause Month and on 18 October every year, World Menopause Day is observed.  This aims to raise awareness about menopause and support for women going through their natural life transition.

Menopause, typically occurring between the ages of 45 and 55, marks the cessation of menstruation and the end of a woman’s reproductive years. It can, however, occur before that age for some women, either naturally or due to surgery or medical treatment.

In a survey of 1,000 adults in the UK, the British Menopause Society found that 45% of women felt menopausal symptoms had a negative impact on their work and 47% needing to take a day off work due to menopause symptoms say they wouldn’t tell their employer the real reason.

Coping at work

Coping with the menopause in the workplace can be difficult. Common symptoms of the menopause range from cognitive, physical and psychological. They may include hot flushes, brain fog, poor concentration, mood swings, anxiety, headaches and aching limbs, to name but a few. While menopause is a natural biological process, its symptoms can significantly impact a woman’s quality of life. It is crucial to understand that each woman experiences menopause differently, and support from healthcare professionals, as well as friends, family and their workplace, can make a world of difference in navigating this phase.

Tips for managers

Here are some tips for line managers when having conversations related to menopause:

• Brush up on the facts: Educate yourself about menopause to better understand the experiences of your employees.
• Ask people how they are, regularly and at different times: Show genuine interest in their well-being and create a supportive environment.
• Keep an open mind and be flexible: Be willing to accommodate any necessary adjustments or support during this transitional phase.
• Be interested in their personal experience: Acknowledge and respect the individual journey of each employee.
• Provide a private and confidential environment and avoid interruptions: Ensure a safe space for open and honest discussions.
• Listen actively and carefully, expect some pauses: Allow employees to express themselves fully, even if there are moments of silence.
• Focus on the person and not the problem: Approach conversations with empathy and understanding.
• Remember that symptoms can affect performance if not supported: Acknowledge that menopausal symptoms can impact work and offer appropriate assistance.
• Point out other sources of help or information: Learn about and direct employees to additional resources or support groups that can provide further guidance.
• Follow up on the conversation and actions: Ensure that any agreed-upon measures or accommodations are put into practice and followed up on.
• Don’t make assumptions or judgments: Avoid preconceived notions and approach each conversation with an open mind.
• Don’t define someone as ‘menopausal’: Respect employees as individuals beyond their menopausal status.
• Don’t be embarrassed: Create a comfortable atmosphere where employees feel safe discussing their experiences.
• Don’t offer medical advice: Encourage employees to consult healthcare professionals for any medical concerns or advice.

Awareness

In summary, World Menopause Day serves as a vital platform for raising awareness and understanding about the challenges faced by women during menopause. By shedding light on the physical and emotional aspects of this natural life transition, the day aims to promote empathy, support, and effective management strategies to help women maintain their overall well-being and lead fulfilling lives during and after menopause.

Janet Baker runs a menopause support and friendship group in her local town.  MenoTalk Halesowen meets monthly and features speakers and guests covering menopause related topics.

Guest presenters have included a menopause at work champion, a nutritionist, an osteopath, a yoga teacher, a gym owner/fitness expert, a hypnotherapy, meditation and mindfulness expert, Holland and Barratt’s local menopause champions, a counsellor, a reflexologist, a skincare consultant, and a Pilates instructor.

It also has an active Facebook page with around 300 members.

For more information about ways in which you can offer support in your organisation, please contact Janet Baker on 07944225290 or email janet@inspiretrainingmidlands.co.uk.

We stayed in an hotel in the centre, not far from the Cavern Club, and it really brought to mind what good customer service really is.

The hotel itself was pleasant; nice rooms, well-decorated, spotlessly clean. On arrival, the door was opened by a young lady dressed in jeans and a t-shirt (I actually thought she was a member of the public coming to open it for us). On entering, it was a bit of a surprise that there was no reception desk – very strange not to have a welcoming focal point to aim for. She checked us in on an iPad, sorted our key out and explained it would give us access to the hotel, lift and our room. She indicated the bar area, explained that free tea and coffee was also available and pointed us in the direction of the lifts. Polite and pleasant.

Later on, having been out, we stopped off in the bar area for a cuppa before going back up to our room. The same lady was serving behind the bar and sorting out tea and coffee supplies. I commented that she was multi-talented. She smiled. On returning to our room, she hopped in the lift with us. I told her that I was very excited to be in the hotel as my great-, great-, great-grandfather used to have a shop in that very building, manufacturing and selling musical instruments. Staying in that actual building obviously meant a lot to me. She smiled, said “Lovely” (or something similar) and got out of the lift. I was left feeling deflated and very disappointed.

We were in and out of the hotel over the course of the four days we were there. At no time did any of the staff (all dressed in jeans and t-shirts, which admittedly grated on me) whom we saw get into a friendly conversation with us, check if everything was ok, ask what we had been up to in the day, etc. It was very much customer service, not customer relations, and it made me feel  almost neglected.

It was such a contrast to the three Liverpool hotels we have stayed at previously (shout out to Premier Inn City Centre, Holiday Inn City Centre and Crowne Plaza Speke), where we were always made to feel incredibly welcome, important and valued, and were treated to the famous friendly Liverpudlian hospitality at all times by all the staff with whom we dealt.

One morning, we called in to 200ᵒ Coffee, a coffee shop around the corner, and were warmly greeted by Helen, the Manager. Wow! Talk about first class customer service! She was friendly and chatty and immediately asked us where we were from, asked about our visit, where we had been, etc. When she brought our drinks over, she continued the conversation and even texted her friend for us to check on whether there were still tours going up Radio City Tower. Bright, bubbly personality, she was so welcoming and sociable, we left feeling very well looked after. So impressed, we returned the following day (although sadly she wasn’t in)!

Why mention all this? Because it just goes to show the importance of building rapport with your customers. As my husband said, our hotel staff gave reasonable service. They did what they had to do, no more, no less. But it wasn’t good customer relations. Do I want to return to that hotel? No (despite the family connection). Will I write a good review? No. Not a bad one, but not a shining one (as I wrote for 200ᵒ). How do I feel? Disappointed.

As a customer service trainer (amongst other things), it reinforces what I always tell delegates about the importance of building rapport, of being friendly and showing interest in your customers. It is not only about providing good customer service but also building good customer relations, no matter how brief your contact time is with them. And it doesn’t cost you anything to give it – but it may cost your company in terms of return!

Thank you Liverpool for another great weekend!

At the start of lockdown last year I, like many people, had to face up to the fact that Zoom/Microsoft Teams/Google Meet, etc. were going to be a more intrinsic way of life than ever before. I had never subscribed to a paid Zoom account, as I had barely used it previously; I didn’t have Teams; I was aware of Google Meet but not used it; I had only used Skype for a few meetings.

Nowadays, I am on Zoom daily, sometime train on Teams, have carried out some training on Google Meet and barely ever use Skype. Learning to use these software packages was a big learning curve for most of us.

Green Screen

In the early days, I had a Zoom meeting with someone who commented a bit negatively on my office background. I explained that my son was home from university; my husband was working from home at our dining table; so space was at a premium; and that this was my office, where my desktop computer and all relevant information was based. It was suggested that I buy a green screen and use it with a Zoom digital background. The comment had made me feel rather uncomfortable from the criticism, so immediately did as suggested.

Suggestion from Paris

A couple of months later, I had a Zoom meeting with a lovely lady from Paris, who asked about my background photo. She could tell it was a fake Zoom background because of the usual slightly fuzzy outline around my head. An added problem was that, with the window open, the green screen would occasionally move in the breeze. After I explained why I was using it, she asked to see what the real background looked like. I removed the screen and she said my office background was fine, that it was more ‘real’ than the Zoom background, and that I should be proud of it as it shows an element of my professional life with the folders of all my training courses. From that moment on, the green screen hasn’t been used.

Since then, various people have remarked positively on my background. Comments have been made about disliking “dressed” sets, especially those seen on TV, with people’s own books turned in the bookcase to face the camera, and preferring a more realistic, “normal” look.

Retired!

So, the green screen has been retired and my office background is now the one being used. I have attended or hosted webinars, training sessions, meetings, conferences, coaching sessions and not had one negative comment.

Are you doing anything like this to “satisfy” others’ preferences? Are you feeling compromised or unable to be true to yourself? Could you make a change to be more authentic?

This is me!

In these days of so much affectation, it is nice to be welcomed being “ME”, and I thank that lovely Parisian lady for helping me to see that. I now embrace my not-so-tidy office, my array of blue training course folders (of which I am actually very proud), my husband’s CD boxes (erm, that IS a major bone of contention… moving on!), etc. As Keala Settle sings in the Greatest Showman “This is Me”!

Expanding your horizons, even just a little bit at a time, can help to build up your confidence. Try to do something new or different each week, no matter how small, to introduce yourself to new experiences.

Why not try any of these:

• • Shop in a different town
  • Take a different route to work
  • Start a new evening class
  • Change the style or colour of your hair
  • Start up a conversation with someone in the bus or supermarket queue
  • Learn to play a musical instrument
  • Learn to play a new sport
  • Learn some words from another language, especially if you are going to be visiting that country
  • Book a weekend away somewhere you have never visited before

These are only examples but show the types of areas you could consider to increase your confidence. Taking small “risks” will enable you to gradually work towards taking bigger chances in your life.

Go on, shake your dice!  Good luck!

Kindness is good for you! Yes really! Kindness not only benefits the recipient of the act, but also the giver.

Over the last few months, I have experienced examples of overwhelming kindness, from friends, neighbours, colleagues and even complete strangers. My Mum was ill with terminal cancer last year, so there was lots of pressure on me with taking her to appointments, supporting her, looking after her, etc. She was eventually admitted into our local hospice where she received the most incredible care from the wonderful staff there, and who looked after me so well too.

Throughout her illness, and after she had passed away, the support from other people was amazing and really helped us through the worst of times. Friends visited my Mum, hers and mine, even though some of mine barely knew her; we had food cooked for us, friends brought her flowers, cards and gifts, kept in touch with constant phone calls, text messages and emails, checking up on us, offering help and support. The NHS staff, including from our GP surgery, district nurses, ambulance personnel, hospital staff, physiotherapists, plus the Macmillan nurses were wonderful.

Whilst I will cherish the memories I have of my Mum in her final days, I will also treasure the memories of all the kind gestures which kept us both going at the toughest of times. It was all these thoughtful deeds which kept me going and which touched my Mum’s heart so very much that she would cry at how kind people were to her. I cannot thank these lovely people enough for their compassion.

So, how is it good for you as a giver?

Kindness is good for your health

Many studies have shown that just performing one act of kindness a day, it will benefit you in numerous ways, by reducing your stress and anxiety levels but will make you – and the person you have helped – become calmer, healthier and happier.

Kindness boosts your seratonin (the neurotransmitter responsible for our wellbeing and satisfaction) and releases endorphins, like we get when exercising! It also reduces blood pressure, strengthens your heart, both physically and emotionally, increases confidence and can even help you live longer. So all in all, a very positive experience!

Kindness stays with you

Being kind to people can leave you with a sense of happiness and pride, knowing you have made a small but meaningful impact on someone’s day. That feel-good sensation can stay with you for hours afterwards.

Kindness costs nothing

Many acts of kindness cost nothing. Just a thought, a call, a message. Enough to let someone know that you care, that you are thinking of them.

In this world where there is so much hatred and division, there is also much kindness and generosity. Generosity of spirit, as well as financial generosity.

Kindness spreads more kindness. So let’s all be more kind in our lives and spread the love to our family, friends, neighbours and complete strangers. Hold the door for someone, give someone a lift, drop someone a text or call them, be there to listen to them, support them, give some flowers to someone, bake a cake to share, ask someone how they are, buy someone a coffee. It doesn’t matter what, just be kind, and hopefully it will be paid on in some way.

Act kindly!

A suggested action for you for now – why not carry out a random act of kindness today and make someone’s day just that bit more special! It will make you feel good too!

“Carry out a random act of kindness, with no expectation of reward, safe in the knowledge that one day someone might do the same for you.” Princess Diana